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Emergency Questions: 1001 conversation-savers for any situation

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You can find the story of both of my encounters with television’s most celebrated pink and white puppet cat here. If you could travel back to any historical period – not just your finger, all of you – A) Where would go if you could go back one time to one historical place in time, where would you go? I went to that gig with someone who I’d literally only just watched my off-air of the Channel 4 broadcast of Absolute Beginners from (I think) 1991 with, so it was all quite the moment for several reasons. If you would like to submit a correction via the Contact page, please include the name of the episode and the time mark confirming the correction (please specify whether it’s for Soundcloud/acast or Youtube).

You can stream me talking about Absolute Beginners here, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Thor’s Hammer here and Mike Westbrook’s Love Songs here, though that’s by the by. Would you rather your anus was replaced by a cat’s anus, or your public hair was replaced by a cat’s whiskers? Artificial Intelligence: Would you rather have a giant chicken that could fly, but would always poop on your head whenever you pass it, or a pet rhinoceros that would follow you everywhere, but would always try to steal your food?I was actually once told off in school for laughing at this peculiar saga as recounted in a history textbook – it was Lambert Simnel’s dreadful ‘satirical’ joke on finding himself waiting on his former co-conspirators at a banquet that really set me off – and could scarcely believe my ears when, a couple of years later, ‘The Rt. Picking on my numb and distraught tribute to Jo – which you can find here – is just plain fucking weird. I’m a great believer in not disregarding the manner in which anything was very first presented to you – no matter how ‘wrong’ it might well be – and in fact you can hear be expressing some suitably strong opinions on the BBC’s edits of The Monkees, The Banana Splits and Boss – sorry – Top Cat here.

Would you rather have the ability to shoot bees out of your eyes or have a pair of shoes that never needed to be cleaned or repaired? The Diatonic has a single row that you can essentially blow into and make a halfway melodic sound which is relatively in tune. as his earlier work with Them – and in particular the staggering I Can Only Give You Everything, which sounds like every single band on Nuggets – Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era, 1965-1968 clobbering each other with cheap amplifiers – is for the most part little short of astonishing. If your genitals had to turn into a sea creature for one day every month, but you could choose the sea creature they turned into, what sea creature would you like that to be?It is also, as Mark Kermode will attest in his anecdote about trying to learn it in a week, incredibly difficult to master even if you can already get some astonishing bluesy wails out of the Diatonic. Would you rather have the ability to produce honey from your stomach or be able to make a pearl in your gallbladder/kidney every ten years? Our books regularly hit the bestseller lists, and we have powered countless authors to household-name status. Artificial Intelligence: Would you rather be forced to sit through an eternity of Big Brother episodes, or be stuck in a room with Richard Herring reciting an endless stream of bad jokes? Do you think it’s possible that we’re all robots that we are all robots and we don’t know we’re robots?

Admittedly Dee did himself less than no favours in later years, but the single biggest name in radio and television – so big in fact that he has a cameo in The Italian Job – and the BBC decide to lower his salary to ‘test’ his ‘loyalty’, leading him to move to ITV where his new show is clearly being sabotaged and set up by other jealous and/or threatened chat show-tastic parties but he’s left to carry the can for production decisions he had nothing to do with, all the while expressing widely mocked and dismissed fears that he was being followed by MI5 which official documents later proved to be true, and by 1971 he’s signing on and being laughed at by the press, and all of this suspiciously closely after he’d gone to management with concerns about the intentions of certain scrawny old bastards hanging around Radio 1 towards young girls?

When a Saturday Boy in a Mr Wimpy costume was upended by exuberant youngsters outside the Wimpy restaurant adjacent to Liverpool Central, and started rolling down Ranelagh Street with increasing momentum.

Quite a few correspondents pointed out that Dairy Crunch once had something more of an exotic allure and mystique due to its intangible and inaccessible dominance of early vending machines in railway stations and the like that you were never allowed to get anything from, although on the other hand David Quantick memorably dismissed it as ‘stale milk with bits in it’. Would you rather be an exhibit in an alien zoo, have all your needs catered for, but live in a cage and be gawked at daily, or live in an alien safari park where you would have freedom to roam, but would have to avoid super rich aliens who are paid to hunt you and want to put your head on their wall? If you had to lose one part of your body, which part of the body would you have removed to save the rest of you?

In case you were wondering, only one Looks Unfamiliar guest – Paul Putner – has also been on RHLSTP ( RHLSTP! And which I mean, you can’t have gotten into the lift with them; they had to be in the lift you were in.

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